Being Sick on Chol ha-Moed

בס"ד/BS"D

(Sorry if this post poses more questions than answers. That’s pretty much my MO.)

I was sick this week. Just a sinus infection. Nothing really. But nonetheless, this minor ailment was totally debilitating and resulted in me spending most of Chol ha-Moed (the intermediate ‘non-holy’ days of the festival of Sukkot) in my caravan. I forget which philosopher said this--one of the German, ‘H’, ones I’m pretty sure--that we live life in two modes, the active and the contemplative. We don’t really reflect on what we’re doing in the active mode, and we aren’t really doing much when we’re reflecting and processing. We go through a time of moving through the world, acting, gathering experiences, and a time of processing all that data, sifting meaning and value out of our experiences, shaping them into a narrative that we can live with. It seems to me that being sick is the epitome of the latter state. We are literally forced to sit and contemplate, and refrain from active ‘doing’ in the world.

So what was I thinking about? Mostly what’s happening in my life: girlfriend, family, studies. But occasionally, when I was just lucid and inspired enough my thoughts would drift to issues of theological import, at least as pertaining to myself. Why did Hashem decide I should be sick this week? Is this a form of kaparah (atonement)? And if so, why did he wait until AFTER Yom ha-Kippurim to exact retribution? Perhaps because I’ve stepped down from the level of spiritual instensity and commitment I was holding by during Elul (the month leading up to Rosh ha-Shannah), which is really the state I should be in all the time? Maybe Hashem held the illness back a few weeks just so I could do the avodah (service) I was doing during that time, and just let it catch up with me now?

In any case, all I can really say is that I know it is/was for the good (גם זה לטובה), and thank G!d for giving me the ‘medicine’ I surely, for some reason, needed right at this moment. On the other hand, as a Jew, I know that part of the test in challenging our physical strength is in seeing how we respond to that challenge. How tenaciously do we cling to life? Do we take our antibiotics l’shem shamayim (for the sake of Heaven), so that we can get well and get back to doing Torah and Mitzvoth, or so that we can feel good for our own sake?

In any case, I went to the doctor right away, got some anti-biotics, and am now feeling pretty darn good, luckily just in time to dance like a maniac on Simchat Torah, basking in the light and love of He who gave the Torah to His people; rejoicing that we have been given this tree of life to grasp to, dancing with the Torah in arms like a precious Jewel, like a loved one, hugged and kissed and held tight as we circle the room in joyous praise, raising the holy sparks through song and dance.

Chag sameach!

God's Presence, reality, hot and cold

I made this journal a few weeks ago, but was waiting for something juicy to be the first post. I probably should have put a bit more thought into it, edited, etc., etc., but here is the relatively unpolished finished product. Hope the point comes across as clearly as possible. Here goes:

My friend Shimshon asked, in his inimitable blunt style, "What does it mean that G-d loves us?" The conversation wound up with the following question: If Hashem is infinite good and light and loves us, doesn't that mean that he hates us too? How could Hashem, who is infinite, who encompasses all of creation, be all one thing, love/good/whatever, and not the opposite, especially when the world comrpises all those things on both sides? The traditional response is along the lines that Hashem is all good/light/etc., and what we experience as the opposites are really a lack of G-d's presence, not real 'things' with an independent existence. But that doesn't answer the question really, more skirt's the issue than anything. The question still remains, how can Hashem be one and not the other, and the above phenomenological explanation of 'how it is' doesn't help.

I've been thinking lately about the common idea that nothing exists without it's opposite. I'm not sure that's real. Perhaps it's just our applying of our perceptual experiences to metaphysical reality. For instance, we all learn that hot and cold are opposites and that we can't experience one without the other. But 'hot' and 'cold' are not objective realities. They are perceptual designations which change depending on what we were most recently exposed to, how much body fat we have, how sensitive we are, etc. We are really describing motion versus a lack of motion in experiential terms. Try putting one hand in a bowl of hot water (not TOO hot, ouch!) and the other hand in a bowl of cold water, then put them both in a bowl of lukewarm/room-temp water. Is the water in the middle bowl hot or cold?

A more cliche example (probably cliche because it's more obviously true than most) would be light and darkness. Light is a thing which exists. Darkness is not a thing with an independent existence like light, but rather how we experience the lack of light. In the same sense we experience darkness as a 'thing' with a presence, with existential reality, even though it is not, so too we experience badness/evil/hatred in G-d's world. If we hold by the assertion that not only is G-d good, but that G-d is definitionally good, then we must assert that, at least on the level in which Hashem interacts with us He has certain qualities without their opposite, such as goodnes, love for his creations, etc.

But then one has to ask, why add such obfuscation to the mix? Hashem could have made our senses capable of perceiving reality directly. Hashem could have made us aware of the nature of evil. The traditional answer again seems to fail me: that if G-d's light was revealed free will would cease to exist, and we would not be able to 'earn our bread' so to speak, by following Hashem's will, but would rather have no 'real' choice but to follow what is obviously true. But in the age of prophecy and miracles people still went off the derech (off the [true/right/holy] path). Am Yisrael sinned with the golden calf under a mountain which was alit with the flame of G-d's presence! They obviously retained their free will despite clear revelations of G-d in the world. No, we must rather say that the degree of seperation we experience is somehow IDEAL in G-d's creation, and that He chooses to relate to us this way, from this distance, for some reason which we may not be able to understand precisely. Any comments as to why this state of distance, of removal, of perceptual confusion is ideal for our relationship to Hashem (or any other comments on this post, of course), please feel free to comment.

Chag sameach l'kolchem! May we rejoice in G-d's presence during this zman simchatenu (time of our joy), as G-d himself watches over and protects us with the wings of his divine presence in our little shacks!